Summer Drinks vs. Winter Drinks

Now that the weather is changing, it's getting to be way fun to watch as people start to switch from the drinks they ordered all winter back to the drinks they order when it's warm out. It makes this season a little unpredictable, and adds a touch of mystique to my normally banal existence. (Just kidding! My life isn't that sad! Sometimes when I go out I switched from my normal burger to a steak! I'm unpredictable and cra-a-a-zy!)

The drinks are usually pretty similar, like a mocha to java chip frappuccino, or a caramel macchiato to a caramel frappuccino. We have one woman who normally gets a coffee with hazelnut syrup added to it who switches to a frappuccino version of the same. I personally like to drink 3 pump vanilla 3 pump classic soy no foam awake tea lattes in the winter (because pretentiousness is attractive) and sweetened passion tea lemonades in the summer (because despite how common they are, they're so dang good.)

For class, I put together an audio clip that's about this idea, complete with a few interviews.
Here it is:

audioproject sound bite

The Verdict is in...

...Making frappuccinos the new way is going to make me a very unhappy camper this summer.

Saturday, I almost enjoyed it. It was a slow night, since the Pens were playing, and I was working with a good group. And, for all that I may whine, actually making the Frappuccinos isn't as bad as I always think it's going to be. The consistency of the new versions are much more easy going, and it's a pretty easy going rhythm once you get it. Plus it's kind of fun giving our customers something that actually tastes as good as how much you paid for it to be. So if you'd asked me on Saturday? A little tougher, but not so bad that it couldn't be dealt with.

And then Sunday. Sundays just do not change. I know it seems like I have to be exaggerating, but seriously. Someone asked us if we sold Arizona's Arnold Palmer iced tea last Sunday. Sunday people are weird.

This Sunday was, despite the storms, pretty toasty. And, because of the storms, it was humid. "Perfect weather for a Frappuccino!" thought the world, and that's how sadness was invented.

I know it will get better with time, but right now our cold bar is so thoroughly thrown into a tightly knit shambles from all the extras we had to bring in that it's hard to keep things straight. The cramping at the bar makes things incredibly confusing, and now that we need to bring the cup with us along for the ride, I keep getting flabbergasted and lost. The extra steps means that I can't keep up with the orders easily, and for someone that prides herself on being pretty competent on bar, that's very frustrating. Worst of all is the multiples thing. I am so unused to not being able to blend more than one drink at a time, and it breaks my heart to get two grande Caramel Frappuccino Blended Coffee Beverages (yes, that's what we're supposed to be calling them. That's what we've always supposed to call them, but now they care again) and realize that I have to go through 965 steps for not one but two blenders and that I also have a vanilla bean, a mocha light and a green tea creme lined up and ready to go right after. And waiting for decaf shots is just as annoying as it was before.

But, again, a lot of those problems will disappear with time. And the soft launch should prepare us for what goes down once mid-May hits and the real fun begins, like Frappy Hour (I will tell you about Frappy Hour.) And actually, I am less upset about this new development than I was about the coffee cadence. We'll see how it goes, and how I feel about it in the summer.

Word of the Week

Every week, on Wednesdays, our paper and product orders come in. With all the excitement one would imagine comes with such a day, order day is a frenzy of box cutting and putting away and requires two or three extra people to work through it.
For whatever reason, possibly to keep the weeks straight, all of the boxes that we get in our product order are marked with a different word every week. The words rarely make sense and can range from "hope" to "sword" to "house" to whatever small, no more than two-syllable word you can find. Usually the words are pretty ignorable.

This weekend, however, I walked into work and saw this:

Oh Dear God Free Coffee Day

So as I recently found out, April 15 is going to be free coffee day. I found this out not at work but on a blog called StarbucksMelody, which is an awesome blog for anyone who wants real Starbucks news instead of some news way too late with extra whine thrown in.

According to the post, which yes, does depress me that I'm finding it out online instead of at work, on April 15, if you bring in your own tumbler, you get free coffee. I'm not too concerned, like I would have been for free pastry day. I think maybe 3 of our customers bring in their own tumblers, despite the fact that our store sells about 4 times that per week.

It is a little sad how unconcerned most of our customers are about going green. Starbucks has made several attempts to get there, as I've mentioned before, by eliminating the spoon jacuzzi, cutting back on sleeves (grumble, grumble), using less plastic in their cups, recycling in the downtown stores, and offering incentives to those that use their own cups (10 cents off, people! How can you ignore that?!)

But despite that, the company (and, in turn, its baristas) takes so much crap for not being green enough. It's not just the company, it's the community and the customers that can help too. You can whine about us all you want, but if you're hoping that we'll do enough "green" things to make up for the fact that you just pounded back 24 ounces of iced tea and tossed the cup, with a sleeve on it, directly into the trash...well, try again. And even if you do recycle that cup, it's not going to make up for the fact that we have a customer who regularly comes through and gets 4 venti mocha frappuccino lights, with extra ice and whipped cream, all of them double cupped and in a cardboard carrier.

(Actually, one of my favorite stories involves that woman's husband and my coworker, Matt, who isn't afraid to tell our customers exactly how he feels. The man had ordered that ridiculous order one night, and he and Matt had gotten into a discussion/argument about why she orders it that way and why she shouldn't. After they'd paid and the drinks had been finished, Matt abruptly ended the conversation, handed them their drinks, and said happily, "Oh, ok. Well, Happy Earth Day!")

Of course, our customers that do bring in their own cups are more poster children for crazy than for going green. One woman, who really is a nice person despite this, orders an extra extra dry nonfat cappuccino through the drive-thru. Personal cup drinks in the drive thru make me want to curse. It makes no sense to run the gas needed to sit in a drive thru lane just to either save 10 cents or to be green, and we can't start anything but the milk for your drink until you get to the window. The cappuccino is the worst, since there is nothing, at all, that we can start until she gets there.

Another woman brings in 5! Tumblers! at least twice a week. Four of them filled with drinks for herself, one for her daughter, and until we gently scolded her she used to come through the drive thru to order them, where she would inevitably cause a line.

Ah, then there was another favorite of ours who would bring in his many-weeks unwashed tumbler, still half full of the remnants of his last drink and ask us for a "wash job" before we filled it with a peppermint white mocha. He had us steam it to 200 degrees and served to him in a paper cup anyways, and he'd have us fill his milk-chunk tumbler with scalding hot water until the drink was finished, when we would pour out the water, pour in the white mocha, and give him the paper cup for him to drain the dregs. We haven't seen him for awhile; we think he crazied himself into an old folk's home. No one is upset.

So go out, buy a tumbler, get a WHOLE! FREE! COFFEE! for April 15, 10 cents off every other time, and maybe I'll get to meet a lot more people who use a tumbler and aren't crazy. Sounds like fun for everyone, right?

Important Announcement

If you are:

Male

and

Over 21

and

Drink Creme Based Frappuccinos

Then

Please don't have kids.

That is all, thank you.

Coming Soon to a Starbucks Near You!

So starting April 19, Starbucks everywhere will be soft launching their Summer Phase 1 promo, and hoo boy, it's a doozy.

Starting that day, it will be possible to completely customize your frappuccinos.

"Yeah, but like, I get my vanilla beans with caramel drizzle on it all the time, Emily," you may be thinking, "that's, like, already being customized, right?"

Well, true, person who would never be reading my blog (or reading anything, really). But starting soon, you'll be able to make your frappuccinos with any milk choice we have that you desire, including soy! and skim milk! You'll also be able to make them with any level of caffeine you desire without having to get a nasty tasting creme base-and-decaf-espresso concoction. You can now make them with any syrup, any milk, any dry inclusion we have, any amount of caffeine, and they finally taste good enough that even I can't complain (much)(you know I'm going to, though. It's coming, don't worry).

So what's so different? Well, before, we would start with three different bases, coffee, coffee light, and creme. All needed to be made in advance and all were only good for 24 hours. This is why decaf and creme light were out of the question, we didn't have bases for either of those. All of these bases also contained enough sugar to stun a yak, except the coffee light, which contained a third of the amount of sugar to stun a yak.

From the base, we would continue to the ice & the syrup. These options have not changed. Then, we would blend and serve.

Now, we put in a shot of coffee (unless it's creme base), the milk (standard is whole, but again, customize), the ice, the syrup & the dry inclusion, then we pump in the syrup that makes it a frappuccino, which is sugar and other ingredients that will keep it from separating instantly.

Magical Frappuccino Maker.

Then we blend, and we serve.

Though I admit that there are a vast multitude of great points about this new development, I am apprehensive. First off, "high quality" is never what I associated with our creme based frappuccinos, and a lot of the people who drink them would drink saloon spit and tar if it was trendy. So to add an extra 4 steps to our mystical magical frappuccino tour for them seems...unnecessary. That, and the fact that it is a lot of extra steps, so battling through a line of frappuccinos on a hot summer day is going to be even more painstakingly difficult and, really, not much fun at all to do alone. My manager is hoping to hire several more employees just to handle our frappuccino rushes. All for something that's already selling in mass quantities.

And the worst part? We can no longer make more than one frappuccino in a blender at a time. That means that when a gaggle of teens orders 3 tall double chocolatey chips, we have to make each one on its own.

But I speak too soon. I've only tried it the new way once, so it may get better with practice and with the learning of new tricks. I'll get back to you after next Sunday, when I'll be a Fully Trained Professional on the subject. In the meantime, tell all your friends that Frappuccinos actually will start tasting amazing in about two weeks, and get ready to start abusing your local baristas all summer long.

Right Now Recovery

At Starbucks, like at most other big corporate businesses in this day and age, we have ass-kissing down to an art form. At the first sign of disgruntlement on the faces of our customers, we are ready and prepared to begin Puckerfest '10, starting with full-on apologies, a drink remake, a refund and, as the Holy of all Holies, our Recovery Certificates, good for a free drink of any size and any modification at any time in the future.

The winning ticket in the Starbucks lotto

Usually these are handed out when something terrible occurs after you order, whether a normally competent barista has erred beyond reason on your drink, if your wait has been unusually long for some reason, if something outside of our control is ruining your visit, like terrible odors or line holdups, or if something that should not be in your drink has somehow made it into your drink, like strings from the rags or the cap rings from the milk jugs. We know when is reasonable to hand one out, and unless our judgment is particularly clouded at that moment, we will give you one.

That being said, if you ask us for one, you're a jerk and we're all hoping that you use it somewhere else. And give yourself a paper cut on the edges.

As goes pretty much without saying, people can be kind of dicks about it. Sometimes it's what the recipients do with the coupon, like this guy who decided to test the boundaries (though I have to admit that that would have been hilariously awesome if he was cool about it and if we weren't too busy at the time. Sir Shultz, of course, might disagree; that $13 of free coffee means a store in Iowa just got closed down.)

Other times it's what people to do try to obtain one, or anything free from us. Like, for instance:

• At the mall, about once a month, we would have a heavy set older gentleman come in and tell us this long story about how he had been to another Starbucks and ordered his drink and they screwed up something awful and he got sick from it and etc etc and we'd better make him free ones. Twice, I think, he walked away with two free Venti Caramel Frappuccinos, with two shots apiece and extra caramel and whipped cream. Every other time we told him, as politely as possible, that he could find his free drinks in hell and could get them easily if he f@#&ed himself. Just kidding. We just said no.
  
• We had a woman once who demanded free drinks because we didn't tell her at the register that we had run out of the raspberry drizzle and, because of it, her drink was completely ruined. To death. When her son insisted that he was ok with it the way it was, she said, "Well, I hope you're happy wasting my money."
  
• We had a young man once spill his beverage all over himself and his apparently expensive jumpsuit and try to tell our manager that she owed him a new outfit because our coffee ruined him. This would make sense if it had been a lid application error on behalf of the barista, but he'd gotten a bottled drink, which officially means not our fault.
  
• We had a woman file a complaint and demand a coupon because the way I put her sleeve on her coffee made her spill it. The cardboard ring. On her coffee. Make her drop it. Because of how I put it on the cup. I have spent entire nights laying awake in bed trying to figure out a way that is possible for that to happen. It tortures my soul.

And then, of course, we have people do this:

Well, Anyways

Today is April Fools Day. I'm not going to do an April Fools joke post. I'll wait until this weekend, when you all can taste first hand just how hilarious my pranks can be. (Note: I am not actually going to anything to anybody's drinks this weekend.)(Or am I?)(I'm not.)

What I'd really like to do instead is mention this fun article from my most favoritest online magazine ever, Mental_Floss. They recently posted an article called "10 Things You Don't Know About Starbucks" and though I didn't think there were ten whole things left about anything that I didn't know, they proved me wrong. Anyone want to console me over a cup of Pequods?

Just Say VivanNO.

Though I recently stressed the annoyance of Frappaccinos here (which I apparently didn't stress enough, judging by how many I made this weekend. Thanks a lot, guys), there was one very special blended drink that I wanted to talk to all of you about today. Not many of you have probably heard about it. It's called...
(dun dun dun)
...The Vivanno Smoothie.

This seemingly innocuous beverage is made with the flavor you specify (strawberry, orange-mango, or chocolate), the milk you specify (2%, skim, whole or soy), a whole, frozen banana, ice and a protein/fiber powder.

The specs of the drink are as follows:

Calories 270	Calories from Fat 40
	% Daily Value*
Total Fat 4.5g	7%
Saturated Fat 2g	10%
Trans Fat 0g
Cholesterol 15mg	5%
Sodium 140mg	6%
Total Carbohydrate 48g	17%
Dietary Fiber 6g	24%
Sugars 30g
Protein 18g

(260 cal, 2 g fat for orange mango, 280 cal 1.5 g fat for strawberry, and of course changes in milk or other modifications will change the facts) src

Sounds awesome, right? It's a delicious and tasty meal replacement that is way, way better for you than that venti Java Chip you were getting. Plus it'll help you poop better! Whee!

Two minor points: it only comes in a grande. Oh, and when had the way it's supposed to be had, it tastes bland and awful.

We tried to like this drink. When it first came out, we had a box of recipes just for the Vivanno so that we could (try to) like it. And we did, after we took out the protein powder and added white mocha and caramel or extra strawberry with classic. Or took out the banana and the protein powder and the milk and just blended ice, strawberry syrup and classic syrup.

Of course, the way we have to make it is a big factor too. It's a multi-step adventure, all of it completely inconvenient. We start with the flavor, then the milk (unless it's chocolate, then we reverse those steps), then the banana (which can only be out of the freezer for four hours before it become a sad and soggy disaster), and blend once on #2. Then we add eight ounces of ice and two scoops of protein powder, and blend again on #2. For a store that was built as convenience personified, with its frappuccino dispensers and its cup sticker labels, the Vivanno is a hair-ripping masterpiece of drama and angst.

The end result of all this was a product that sounded great on paper but was bland, lifeless, and was, above all, incredibly annoying to make. It was impossible to get behind but we were forced in one summer to sell more of them than household toilets across the world could possibly take (lulz, potty talk, fwee!) (speaking of, remind me that I want to tell you all the fun bathroom stories I have.)

And yet. People really do buy them. The ones who buy it to lose weight or to bulk up for football camp or whatever, I don't mind making the Vivanno for them. The people who are genuinely interested in getting more fiber, protein and potassium in their diets, good for you! We should all be crazy people riding to Starbucks on our bikes and writing jog blogs while sipping on our coffee in said Starbucks that we've just biked to.

However, in middle-middle class suburban Pennylvania, outside of Pittsburgh, there are so few of those type of people it's...it's a little sad, actually. And to those people, the word "smoothie" is a magical word that promises unicorns and fairies and size 0s and Aslan. They get it, and they hate it. They get it for their kids, and their kids hate it. THEY PUT WHIPPED CREAM ON IT. And I hate it.

Summer is coming up. Smaller bikinis with less cellulite peeking through probably sounds amazing to you all. But if you decide to diet at Starbucks, and think that the Chocolate Banana Vivanno will replace the double chocolatety chip you've been drinking, just know that it won't, and that we are all very disappointed in you.

Dear Sirs

To all the henpecked husbands of the world:
We understand that you hate your wives, your lives, your kids and your jobs, but could you maybe next time not agree to drive her through the Starbucks drive thru to get her skinny cinnamon dolce?

Oh No, Frappuccino.

Fifteen years ago, Starbucks hit the coffee shop lottery and changed the way people drink coffee all in one fell swoop. In 1995, a California Starbucks began blending coffee, ice and milk together for their customers, and to everyone's surprise, they liked it. The Frappuccino was born, and that year Starbucks began selling Mocha and Coffee flavored blended beverages to the public.
A mere decade and a half later, and these became a phenomenon that would sell in the millions daily, and would make almost every barista sob quietly into their blenders at the mere mention of the word.

I'm not going to tell you here to stop drinking frappuccinos. If you like them, by all means continue to drink them. In fact, that goes for everything I whine about here--caramel macchiatos, cappuccinos, using sleeves, etc. If it's something that you like to do, and it's something that not doing anymore would make every Starbucks visit a lot less fun, then please, don't let my whining scare you from continuing. The only thing that we ask is that you be nice while you do it. Nice, friendly, and maybe even thoughtful.

My biggest peeve, or at least one of my biggest peeves, with frappuccinos is the fact that there are almost no ways to cut down on the time it takes to make one. On the hot bar, we can have milk ready, we can have shots ready, and almost every ingredient is independent of the others. If I find out after I've started making the latte that a syrup has been added, the world is not going to end. I can add it on top of the shots, on top of some of the milk, or I can start it again in a new cup without wasting a lot of time. Same goes for shots and, to some degree, milk, and the whole time I'm working on one drink, I'm also working on two or three others at the same time.

Frappuccinos don't allow this. If someone changes their mind on the syrup or the base halfway through, the entire drink needs to be dumped and restarted. We only have three pitchers in our store and two blenders, so if I have a line of four different blended drinks, I can't even get started on the fourth until I finish at least one. At the hot bar, I can put the syrup in and get the milk I need ready and eventually steamed even if it's the eighth or ninth in line. When you're in a hot bar stride and you get a line of frappuccino cups, well, if you're lucky someone will help you out, and if it's too busy for that, then that's about the time your entire day is ruined.

It wouldn't be such a bummer if you didn't know the types of people that were ordering, too. Like take, for instance, vanilla bean, double chocolatety chip, and strawberries and cream. You know when you hear that that you're making it for either a small child, a make-up obsessed teenage girl, or a bro. If it's a caramel frappuccino, it's for a female student or a middle aged woman. In fact, of all our customers, those that get frappuccinos are USUALLY the most annoying.

Take, for instance, the people that persist in calling them "Fraps." As was beaten into me when I was first trained, Starbucks has a trademark on the name "frappuccino" and is almost terrifyingly proud of the word that has whored itself away so much for them. Our first week of training they brainwashed away the urge to say anything else but Frappuccino, and whenever I hear a fellow barista say "frap," my first instinct is it grab them by the nape of the neck and pound their face into the counter over and over again until they utter the last three syllables of the word.
But beyond that, the word "frap" just sounds annoying. It's like the word "ranch." No matter what a pleasant voice the orderer has, as soon as they say "frap" it sounds like they're a middle aged lady who lives in a trailer chain smoking cigarettes with her cats. You can't sound intelligent and use the word "frap," it's scientifically impossible. Try it. It's not working, is it?

Free Pastry Day!

This past Tuesday was Free Pastry Day at Starbucks. I would have mentioned it earlier, but I was too busy a-tucking in my white napkin and getting ready for the joy that would be my free cinnamon roll.
Just kidding, I had class and missed it. Luckily, this also meant that I wasn't at work at the time of said riot-inducing free handout day.

For those of you that couldn't guess, any day that Starbucks decides to give you people something for free, it leads to pants-pooping terror for those of us at the register and behind the bar. Free stuff means that you told your friends, and your friends told their friends, and their friends told their coworkers, and that hordes and hordes of people are going to be charging the register in angry mob-like fashion ready to bludgeon to death the first person that gets in their way or denies them the sweet nectar of the freedom of free stuff, usually the barista who, due to circumstances not their fault, has run out of whatever was free.

And aw shucks, I missed it.

Yesterday, from what I've heard, was no different, though at the very least it wasn't advertised as widely as it could have been and it ended at 10:30am. We weren't even allowed to talk about it until Tuesday, which is why I actually forgot about it until I read the misery-filled Facebook statuses of my coworkers. And lol'd, because I mean, sucks to be them, amirite? Or at least that's what I'll say until Starbucks decides to have free tall vanilla bean day or free caramel macchiato day and everyone else has had the foresight to call off in advance.

Then I'll probably be the first one with a pitchfork in my eye, tied to a pole, and burned.

Mmmm

Opening a brand new bag of coffee and breathing deeply into it has to be one of the best things in the universe.


Opening a brand new bag of coffee and breathing deeply into it by an open window when it's spring and the flowers have just started to bloom and someone just cut the grass right before it rained on asphalt has to open up a door to Narnia.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday.

I know for a fact that all of my coworkers would agree with me when I boldly declare that Sundays suck.

I don't know if it's a Starbucks Phenomenon or if it's one that spreads across the entire food/retail span, but I have never, once, in my entire working life enjoyed a Sunday that I spent whilst at work in Starbucks. This goes from the mall to the drive thru to my brief stint downtown and back to the drive thru. They are all pretty much terrible.

I'm not sure what does it. Almost every customer that comes into the store that day will act like they've been caged for the past 15 years and have finally escaped into the wilderness, unused to human contact and reasonably disgruntled at the world for keeping them locked up. We get the most socially inept, awkward, idiotic, and bizarre people that decide to come to Starbucks on Sundays. It's like every Sunday is a full moon and it gives them all teh crazees. Even our normally crazy customers (here's looking at you, Soy Latte Guy) are extra crazy on Sundays.

Crazy customers are pretty much the feed and fodder of a typical coffee chain, though, they're the lifeblood that keeps the espresso flowing, so it's not just the fact that they exist and love coffee that makes Sundays so completely miserable.

Sundays lead to awkward orders in the drive thru, with weird pauses and screams from the back seat, with the yellers and the people who order their drink and inexplicably drive away before they get it. They lead to bizarre and unjustified complaints, like the woman who squeezed herself under the half-closed gate into the Starbucks in the mall at 6:01 (when we closed at 6) and proceeded to berate us and leave threatening messages for days afterward because she was "disabled" and didn't appreciate having to duck under the gate. Sundays lead to unexpected and usually time consuming and day ruining disasters, like this Sunday when apparently the pastry case exploded. Or the day that all of the drains decided to back up because someone had dropped an overturned iced venti cup into the drain some weeks previous. Or the thousands of times the espresso machine has done something unfortunate, usually involving water and drinks taking much longer to make. Sundays also invariably lead to a usually competent manager doing that day's schedule with their eyes closed and their fingers in their ears screaming Bowie lyrics while they punch in the information with their elbows. There will be insane conflicts and under scheduling and lengthy gaps between one shift of people and the next, leaving rushes to be taken care of by two or three people.

I mean, to some extent it is understandable. Sundays at the mall meant old people and harassed mothers squeezing in 3 extra hours of panic and anger into a shopping trip that had to be cut short by 6. Sundays at the Market Square meant that all Point Park dancers would come to our store because the school's was closed, ordering their nonfat sugar free caramel macchiatos and vanilla beans (for the ones that will soon no longer be dancers) which was more painful than what I imagine childbirth to be. I can't explain the drive thru's Sundays, but I'm guessing it's built over an ancient burial ground or something. On Sundays, too, most clever thinking employees have claimed unavailability, citing "homework" or "religion," so managers are left with very few people to work with, and every Sunday it's always the same people. I understand it, I just don't like it.

Every Sunday, I stand by my post at the bar and I dream of one day in the future when I, too, can work in a tiny cubicle doing very unimportant work for a boss that will underpay and under appreciate me, just because I know, I know, that then I will have Sundays off.

It's True

There are some days that I can't get the smell of coffee off of me, no matter what I do.

There are some days that I don't want to.

Sleep > Caffeine

So, as many of you should know, this past Sunday was the day that we turned our clocks forward an hour. Those of you that don't know, I hate to break it to you, but you're late.

A post like this would probably, I'm sure, have been more relevant three days ago, but my sleep schedule has been so off that I've been wandering around in a nap-like state since Sunday, which would have made for some bizarre and hilarious writing.

Why, you may ask (though you probably wouldn't), has my sleep schedule been so torn apart? Because on Sunday, on the day that we lost an hour of precious, beautiful sleep, I was scheduled to be at work at 5:30 ay em. Five. Freaking. Thirty. In. The. Morning. I didn't even know that was a real time. Apparently it is, and it's a lonely and dark time, a quietness into which only the saddest of people dare to venture out into. What helped a little more was the fact that it felt like 4:30, and, indeed, the clock in the car still read the real time. What helped further was the fact that the entire night had been spent doing sleep math (you know, when you lie there and do the math on how much time you have to sleep and how long you'll be sleeping if you fall asleep right then instead of actually sleeping) and, all in all, picked up about two hours of sleep.

And whine. It was terrible. I may never recover.

Of course, it was proven to me early that shift that I wasn't the only one miserable to be alive, since the second customer I had that morning rolled down her window, handed me her money, and said, "I don't like you," and nothing else.

It's Drizzle, Fo Shizzle.

So the last time I ranted and raved and whined like a little bitch, it was about whipped cream. And yes, I do still hate whipped cream with all my heart. At least, in the hands of other people. Not neccessarily in my drinks. And yes, I can be a hypocrite, I'm the one who makes my drinks.

However, as it turns out, there is a sickeningly sweet and sugary topping that makes me sadder than whipped cream ever will. Because not only is this topping more annoying to apply than whipped cream, the fact remains that while just about everyone loves whipped cream, for the most only people who should be skewered demand the one that I am enigmatically referring to.

Caramel drizzle. Specifically, extra caramel drizzle.

This is actually a poorly colored picture of the blood of my enemies
(read: those who get extra drizzle on their drinks)
raining from above.

Caramel drizzle is a staple of air-headed hair-twirler drinks, like caramel macchiatos and caramel frappuccinos. Since this type of person is really into brands but not so much into coffee, the drizzle is pretty much the sole reason for the purchase of the drink. So, rather than just order something that they'd enjoy (like a Diet Pepsi, or a solid meal for once), they just ask for extra (or extra extra, but in a grating, high pitched tone) of the one thing that they like.

Good ol' Caramel "Gouge Out My Eyes With A Spoon" Drizzle.

So why so terrible? Let me just says that there are several things that throw a wrench directly into the well-oiled machine that is our Starbucks dream team. Emptying out a frequently used ingredient is one of them. Having a customer add details or beverages at the end of the bar or at the window is another. Running out of clean milk pitchers is a third.

And making me stand over your freaking cup while I use every ounce of my strength to pour a thick, syrupy and by all means reluctant to leave the bottle substance by the boatload into the bottom while I neglect the line of drinks piling up around me and knowing full well that despite the fact that you paid no extra to get the gallon that you're demanding you will complain to my superiors if it is lacking will do it every time. Not only that, but, for whatever reason, my normally reasonable manager (what's up, Haylee!) poops herself if you try to make it easier to pour the caramel (like cutting off the narrow tips of the drizzle spouts or warming the caramel) and since it is still winter, caramel is a frozen and angry beast. It pretty much makes for a terrible two minutes making a drink.

As if that weren't enough, most people, when they want extra caramel (usually in a frappuccino) they want to see the evidence in a caramel mosaic on the inside of the cup. If it's not making a beautifully untidy pattern around the sides, then it's not been extra caramel'd, and oops, someone's driving away gwumpy. But. Caramel on the inside of a cup has no effect whatsoever on the flavor of the drink. Unless you stir it in (impossible) or melt it in (you got a frappuccino, buckaroo), or wait until the drink is gone and turn the cup inside out and lick off the sides (ew?) you're not going to experience the joy. So Starbucks is out whatever it cost to put two thirds of a bottle of caramel into your drink, we've got carpal tunnel syndrome from squeezing our little hearts out, and you're getting about the same effect as you would if we'd just taken a scented brown marker and scribbled on the sides. Everyone loses.

So please. Please. Just say no to extra caramel saucing. Remember kids, everyone gets hurt when you get extra caramel.

Whip it, please. And whip it well.

The most popular thing we have at Starbucks isn't a drink. It isn't a pastry, either. And it's free.

Our most popular item is whipped cream, and omg. Whipped cream. About 95% of the beverages we make have some whip-specific detail in the custom box. Whipped cream leads to some of the most baffling and frustrating scenarios we have at Starbucks.

The devil.

I guess I should start with a basic run down of our whipped cream. We have the carbon dioxide whippers and we "make" it with our vanilla syrup and 16 oz of heavy whip. It really is delicious, like creamy manna from the heavens, but the amount of whipped cream that goes on a grande hot beverage adds up to 120 calories and 10 g of fat. One hundred and twenty calories for what essentially adds up to less than a condiment, one that melts almost immediately into the beverages and, with how much sugar is already in most of our drinks (particularly those that get whip), is never tasted.

And yet, when a middle aged woman on a diet purchases a drink from Starbucks, the whipped cream is where she will, invariably, crack. And if she's feeling particularly guilty about it, blush, giggle, and assure us that she knows it's silly, but she does love whipped cream so, and really, it does make the drink. To which, in response, I will lie.

It is helpful, though, because when I see the add whip line on the cup, I immediately know that the rest of the details don't matter. I don't have skim milk ready? Oh well, it's already with whip, 2% can't hurt. They wanted sugar free? Yeah, can't taste the difference with all that whip on top, can she. If you don't seem to care, why should we?

Alright, alright, I suppose whipped cream on diet drinks is almost understandable. Everyone cheats, after all. Still more inexplicable is the whip on soy drinks, which we make with depressing frequency. I like to imagine that those people go home and put bacon on their veggie burgers.

Worse yet are the subtle annoyances of whipped cream on an iced beverage. I don't mean frappuccinos. Those are pretty much sugar spun lard shakes anyways, adding a dollop of sugary milkfat isn't going to make much of a difference. I mean the drinks with actual ice cubes floating in them. Cold drinks, if I may remind everyone, are drunk from the bottom up when sipped through a straw. Whipped cream, due to its adorable whippy qualities, floats firmly on the top. Ice cubes don't fit through a straw. What I'm trying to get here is that, unless you wait for it to melt or just suck it off the top, you will never, ever get to taste that delicious whipped cream on your iced vanilla latte. It will get stuck in the ice and, once there, it is yours no longer. It is therefore a pointless addition that countless people ask for every day.

Honestly, the most annoying thing about it is the fact that it seems to be such a neccessity. There are people who will riot and send in complaints and bitch and moan if we leave it off. All for something that amounts to little less than a sugary condiment. This, I'm pretty sure, is what's wrong with our country.

And You Wanted That With No Onions, Ma'am?

If you are ever offered the chance to work at a Starbucks drive-thru, run away as fast as possible in the opposite direction. If they have you backed into a corner, take out your rape whistle, blow it as hard as you can, and spray them with pepper spray.
You want to avoid it, is what I'm trying to get at here.

Now, despite my rants and ramblings and bitchy little whinefests, Starbucks is a pretty decent pre-career job. It's fun, it's interesting, it has decent benefits, it makes you feel slightly more important than most other minimum wage workers, and it gives you the chance to mainline caffeine for free when you need it most. In fact, I enjoy it so much that, as evidenced here, I actually take it seriously.

That paragraph detailing the finer points in life, however, does not at all, even slightly, not even a little bit extend to the drive-thru.

This is the first image that pops up when you Google "drive-thru."
It's like they know.

I have never worked at another drive-thru besides Starbucks before in my life. I don't know how much more terrible it is when fries are involved. But I can say that, with coffee and forced kindness, the drive-thru really is its own circle of hell.

I've condensed most of my hatred to the bing, the accursed bing, that occurs as soon as a vehicle drives up to the box. It causes Pavlovian responses of anxiety and the sweats every time most of us hear it, and it is usually a harbinger of doom.

Stories. Stories. I'm sure you want some drive-thru specific stories. I'm sure I got some.

Like...let's see...I told you about the guys who wanted the COW (coffee of the week), were mad that we didn't do that anymore, and tipped us in cherry slushie. How about the old, old man and his old, old wife that rammed into the back of the woman in front of them whilst navigating that difficult drive between the box and the window? How about the woman who drove in through the exit, stopped at the window, and couldn't understand why we refused to take her order until she was facing the right way? Oh, and then there's the total lack of volume control. And every. single. freaking. diesel. truck. that comes through. And the fact that almost every order is phrased like a Jeopardy answer. And the cold. Ohhh the cold. And the people on cell phones, and the people who drive up to the window with a fist full of bills punching the air before you even get over to your drawer, and the people who change their orders when they get all the way up to the window so that we have to shout it over to whomever's on bar because it won't reprint the sticker. And the people with angry, whiny children who have to shout over them to order their hot chocolates.

And...and...and...everything. Every. Thing.

However, like all clouds, there is a silver lining (or a gold one, when the sun peeks through).
In a drive-thru, especially one so close to PetSmart, we get puppies.
And that, my dears, is worth 5 diesel trucks and someone who drives straight up to the window any day.

Taxplosion!

January 1st to April 15th is a lovely time in the United States, a time to find out just how hard the government is taking you from behind for what you've dared to do the year before.
I understand that everyone already knows this, that it comes to no surprise to anyone, and that it only connects myself and my job in the same ways that it connects everyone else and everyone else's jobs and is therefore not really worth writing about, but, well.

Argh.

For the first time in my working life, I owe money to our government. The only reason why I owe money to our government is because Mr. Paycheckwriter has been unusually incompetent both this and last year, and decided to take out only 7% of my income when a good 13% needed to be taken out. And, since I'm a dependent on my parent's taxes (I do what I can for you, mom and dad), my meager paychecks aren't twisting anyones heartstrings. No deductions for the poor college student, nossir.

I've come to grips with this. I'm ok with it now. However, in trying to prevent it from happening again this year, I came across another Argh. moment: logging into the partner page on the Starbucks website. Which I haven't yet fully signed up for. Which I was hoping to sign up for at home.

The only page I can reach, though, leads me to two sections: "I Have a Global Name and Password" and "International Partners". I don't qualify for either, but the first section seems more promising than the other. Under the log in are options for if you forget either your username or your password, which clearly I do.

But. BUT. To be reminded of your password, you need to know your password. And to change your password you need to know your password. And to enroll. To create. Your password. You need to know your password. And. And. But. I don't. I don't know it. And. Argh.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you've ever wondered what working at Starbucks is like, the above section sums it up much better than anything else I could ever, ever tell you.

/rant

Make it a Venri.

I hate our sizes.

It's not the amount of ounces I hate, or the fact that they're misleading, or the fact that Starbucks decided that "small" wasn't coffee enough for them.

It's the reaction of the entire world toward the difference in size names that really, really makes em' so irksome.

Starbucks, when they named their drink sizes back in the 70s, did what a lot of companies do: take something common, and add a creative twist to it. They changed the names of their smallest and, at that time, larger beverage to short and tall. Later, they added grande, and then again, because if Americans can't guzzle disgustingly large quantities of fattening beverages, no one can, they later added the venti.

An explanation for all? When it was just short and tall, that made sense. One is short and one is, comparatively, tall. When American appetites demanded an extra four ounces, to call it grande also made sense, because at that point, that was the large. Why spend tons of money changing the middle size's name? Then, again later, venti made sense as well, sort of. Venti means 20, which is how many ounces are in a hot venti beverage. Short was taken off the menu, because it was laughable that anyone would cut their portion sizes to a meager eight ounces.

I applaud them for this. In the world of advertising, this is brilliant. The words 'tall', 'grande', and 'venti' are now synonymous with Starbucks, and, psychologically, all of the beverages (despite short) sound big and sound like a good deal.

Unfortunately, to most people, changing that sanctity of small, medium, and large is akin to replacing Elmo with a Hitler muppet. People have been whining about it for over three decades now. In anybody's list of Starbucks complaints, the size names rank right up there with the high prices, the fact that it sucks money from ma and pa shops, and their opinion of the coffee.

(By the way, I have nothing against ma & pa shops. I think they're quaint and I like seeing so-called normal people make money doing something they love. That being said, not only are most ma and pa shops not as up to standard in milk and food handling procedures as Starbucks, but a lot of them also use Torino syrups, which are the equivalent of sweetening your coffee with cheap sugary sewage. So if saving those are part of your excuse to hate on every Starbucks employee, then...well, I'm cursing at you in my head.)

These people, who are annoyed by it, are also completely annoying when they're forced to come in. I am being paid to call them by their appropriate sizes. I repeat: I HAVE TO CALL THEM TALL, GRANDE, AND VENTI. So when I repeat it back to you, in its translated form, I am not arguing with you. I am calling them by what I am paid to call them.

So many people don't understand this. I'm not correcting you. I really don't care what you call our sizes, unless it doesn't translate to something we sell (what do you think is "regular," sir?) or unless it's something really funny. Like tall-ay.

Now I understand that there are some baristas out there who aim to give us all a bad name. All you can do with those baristas is just not argue and leave assured that their coworkers hate them just as much as you do.

Oh Glory Be!

We got cherry!

Or, to be more specific, dark cherry syrup. It's the newest flavor for the winter phase 3 (or possibly spring phase 1, I don't remember which we're on right now) and it is...really good, actually. Great with mocha, though I haven't fully explored its potential yet. The best part? They didn't artificially color it some nausea-inducing Koolaid Kolor, like they did with the raspberry. And the orange. And the blackberry. And just about every other fruit flavor they've brought out, except valencia.

So, since Sir Shultz is now reading my mind, maybe we'll get peach in the summer?

And Howard, an extra buck an hour would pair really well with that. ;)

A Poll

Because occasionally I care about what you all are thinking, I'd like to know which of the flavors I posted awhile back you think Starbucks should sell.

Public Service Announcement Mk2

Remember that one time I went on and on for hours about caramel macchiatos? You know, how I couldn't understand how such a misunderstood drink could be so popular? Would you believe me when I told you that there's another drink we sell that is all that and more?
Yes, I know. I wish it weren't so either.

The drink to which I am mysteriously eluding is none other than the cappuccino.
"Oh! Cappuccinos!" some of you may be thinking, "I love cappuccinos! I get them at the local gas station all the time!"
If these are the words that you've just thought, never, never, order a cappuccino at Starbucks.
Starbucks' cappuccinos, as with most real coffee shops outside of a machine with four spouts that chokes out water and dust at you, are shots of espresso with freshly steamed milk poured immediately over them with none of the foam held back as it would be in a latte. The end result is a strong coffee flavor lightly balanced by the sweet flavor and the creamy, light texture of the milky foam. The drink is for the more discerning palate (like those people who know what chardonnay is and what kind of cheese pairs perfectly with it) and, before its reputation was utterly, sadly bastardized, should have been the coffee epitome of class and style.

Now, I'm not going to lie. There is no way, ever, in the universe, that cappuccinos at Starbucks should be considered the best. They're just more of a step in the right direction than what most people picture. At the very least, the baristas know what it should look and feel like, even if they don't all know how to get there. Mostly. HOWEVER, we get irritated by your repeated requests for french vanilla cappuccinos just like anyone else.
(By the way, if you ask for french vanilla at Starbucks, we automatically assume you're an idiot. We'll do it, we just add hazelnut to it to make it 'french', but we'll automatically figure you as the type that normally drinks Maxwell House and that this is your first trip to the Starbucks.)

It's not just your ignorance on the subject that makes this beverage so darn annoying, nossir. To make the beverage well, it needs its own, fresh pitcher of milk, it needs to be timed well so that the shots have been poured roughly at the same time that the milk has finished steaming, and it has to feel like it weighs what it should weigh (less than a latte, more than air). All that for a drink you'll be disappointed in.
I know, I know, it doesn't sound like much and why am I so whiny and really, why don't I just quit because obviously cappuccinos are ruining my life. It doesn't sound so bad up there, but when you've got a line of cups on every inch of the bar and every pitcher is full of the milk you'll need and all of a sudden there's a cappuccino thrown in there, well, thanks for the wrench in our gears, 14-year-old child who gets it at Sheetz every morning.
Oh, and then there are those that order very specific and customized versions due to what I call the Caramel Macchiato principle (you don't really like the drink but you refuse to give up on it.) So we get calls for 140 degree wet cappuccinos with 7 pumps of vanilla and cinnamon on top and way to go you just ruined everybody's day.
By the way, usually, asking for a wet cappuccino means you want a latte (or that your baristas are terrible at making cappuccinos. Then you...probably still want a latte. They know how to make those.) Asking for a 140 degree cappuccino means that you probably want a latte. Lightweight and foamy means that it probably won't be as warm as a latte, and definitely won't be in about, oh, five minutes. Asking for it with cinnamon on top? Means that you like cinnamon. You pervert.
Now, on occasion, I get legit cappuccino orders from legit cappuccino aficionados. They order it dry or breve or short, and I have no problem whatsoever even slightly making it for them, because they know what they want and I'm pleased as punch to get it for them.

For everyone else? Just so you know, when you order a french vanilla cappuccino...
...I make it extra dry.

The more you know.

Picky Eaters Take 2

So I weenied out last time, and gave up after two tidbits of advice. For those of you with caffeine allergies or needing something sugarless, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to wait, and I hope you can ever, ever forgive me.

Ok, so you're a wee bittie upset. I'll try to make it up to you.

So...where was I...so you're avoiding sugar/following Atkins.
I'm putting these together because at a coffee shop, most of the advice is the same. This one is probably the easiest, but, alas, it has the least amount of choices. Remember when I told you all of our syrups? And I mentioned how vanilla, caramel, hazelnut, and cinnamon dolce all come in sugar-free? If you want flavor, those four are going to be your only choices in this instance. I think in later years we'll be seeing more sugar-free options from our bff Howard, but then again, judging by the success of the tar-flavored sugar-free mocha, possibly not.
So sugar-free syrups, that's obvious, right? But another way to change your sugar (carb) content is to change your milk. (Note: this is why I didn't write this paragraph to diabetics, because you guys would have just thrown things and my head and shouted about how you already knew all this. I'm sorry I'm not breaking any new grounds here.) Nonfat (skim) milk has about 12-13g of sugar in a 12 oz. glass. Heavy whipping cream has none, and no carbs either. Now, a latte made with heavy whipping cream probably sounds incredibly foul, but it...ok, it is. BUT. One of our regulars, whom I've known for about 4 years, orders a regular coffee with sugar free vanilla and a splash of heavy whipping cream. She does this because her husband is diabetic and no sugar has become a habit, but over the time that I have seen her order this, she has lost about 60 pounds.
Of course, plain iced or hot tea and plain iced or hot coffee works in this situation as well.

So you need it gluten free.
Well, in our drinks you don't have much to worry about, except maybe in the protein and fiber powder (I'll check on that). In our pastries, however, it's another story. Since they got rid of the valencia orange cake, in most stores there are no gluten free options. However, Starbucks has recently started rolling out healthy, organic and gluten free options, like fruit based gels and a variety of flavored nuts. So good news for you!

So nuts are right out.
Again, in our drinks this is not so bad. Just don't get hazelnut syrup (and maybe toffee nut, but I'll check for sure.) Pastries, on the other hand, are less easy. While the ones that are actually made with nuts are obvious (like the toffee pecan bar), please be aware that all of our pastries are made in a factory that also makes things with nuts, and sometimes they swap cooties. If you aren't worried by this, enjoy a cinnamon bun. Hey, sometimes risks are delicious.

So you're allergic to caffeine.
Get it decaffeinated.

I think that's all that I can think of, but if you have an issue and would like to know a solution, please let me know in the comments. Also, if you didn't see something you would like to get, and you have an idea of how Starbucks can remedy this, submit your Starbucks idea. Make it clear, concise, well spelled, and with a real solution (they see about a kajillion of these every 2 seconds) and you may get to see it happen.

Oh Snow!

I am completely and utterly ashamed at the lack of posting I have done all weekend. Unfortunately, as some of you might have noticed, we got hit with lots and lots of snow. Record-breaking amounts of snow. So much snow that it was a lot of snow.
So, not only was I unable to be at Starbucks all weekend, but I was also without internet and electricity for a good part of it, meaning that I was without inspiration and with only enough time online for Facebook.

Later this week, I promise, I'll have more posts, and they might even be entertaining. Don't hold me to that, though.

For Those Picky Drinkers

In an environment where food is sold, nothing becomes clearer than the specific gastrointestinal needs of every single human being out there. Luckily, working at a chain that sells a very specified product makes it much easier to find something you need and like rather than, say, next door at Five Guys.


Unfortunately, a lot of people don't understand just how customizable everything we have is. (Unfortunately, some people also assume that we're a lot more customizable than we are. No, we don't have light whipped cream, ma'am.)Starbucks has spent a lot of time and money in making sure that there is something in our store for everybody, but a lot of folks out there are too intimidated to ask us what all we can do for them.

Therefore, I am putting together a few common needs and what drinks fulfill them.

First off, here's a list of our flavors:
Vanilla, Hazelnut, Caramel, Cinnamon Dolce (like a cinnamon bun)(note: these four come in sugar-free), Toffee Nut, Raspberry, Classic (simple syrup) Mocha, White Mocha, Chai, and Green Tea (note: these last four are not technically in the same category as the others, and will cost extra when mixed with another flavor.)
At this point, it would be wisest to choose a flavor or flavor combination (for example, vanilla caramel) and just substitute your choice whenever it says "any flavor/syrup."

So you don't like coffee.
That's fine. A great deal of people in the world loathe the taste of coffee, and Starbucks would be a sad banana indeed if they cut these people out of their customer count, so there are many choices for you. You have your pick of our teas, for one, and the company has just rolled out a new full leaf version of them that come with more flavor and fancier bags, and some of them make a great latte. Personally, I'm drinking a three-pump-vanilla, three-pump-classic soy awake tea latte all winter.
If tea's not your thing, we've also got the creme Frappuccinos. The most common flavors are Strawberries n' Cream, Vanilla Bean (note: please specify either Vanilla Bean or Caffe Vanilla, our coffee flavor. Saying just "vanilla" will get you a lot of questioning from a testy barista), or Double Chocolatey Chip, but we can add in any syrup you want.
If a cold drink's no good, remember that the espresso does not come automatically attached to the cup, and that any latte can easily be made without it. We call these "steamers" or "cremes" or, in the case of mochas, "hot chocolates," but you can ask us for a vanilla latte without the coffee and we'll understand. And put whipped cream on it.

So you're lactose intolerant.
This is a common need, and for the most part sufferers know what they need to do--get it with soy. We can make all of our lattes with soy, either iced or hot, and if you're adding it to your coffee or americano, if it's under four ounces it's free of charge. Here again you also have your pick of the teas, hot or iced, and hot or iced coffees. But what if you want your drink frozen? Hey, no worries, we got smoothies. Our Vivanno smoothies are usually made with a whole banana, protein and fiber powder, 2% milk, and either strawberry, orange mango, or chocolate flavoring. You can sub soy for the milk, and leave out the protein (it's made with whey) and viola! Perfect for any of you who happen to be a little lactarded (is that offensive? if so, on how many levels?). Also frozen are our blended strawberry lemonades, which are muy perfecto in the Summer.

Finally, I'm going to let you in on a secret. We CAN make our Frappuccinos non-dairy. It's not recommended, as it is considered "cross-contamination" and then we have to waste like a whole 5 seconds getting a new, clean pitcher, but we can do them with. Even with a shot of espresso if you want coffee flavored.
Now, some baristas may give you trouble over this, but I'm going to give you the magic words that will smooth things over 9 times out of 10:
"They made it for me no problem at the last Starbucks I went to."
I'm going to get kicked in the head for divulging that secret, but if we feel like another Starbucks has let the cat out of the bag, then we'll feel guilty still keeping it from you. Use it carefully, though. It won't always work, and some of us have much stronger wills.

I think I'm going to save the rest for my next post. I feel like I've already got far too many novella sized blog posts, and this one would take the cake. So stay tuned!

Memo to Mr. Schultz

My dearest Howard,
We've known each other for, what, five years now? Granted, they haven't always been the best of times, but through it I feel our bond has grown stronger than ever.
Which is why I finally feel comfortable enough with you to do something I've wanted to do for a long time...
Suggest some flavors you should totally bring out.

1. Peanut Butter. I'm pretty sure there's a way to make it of white mocha consistency and tasting awesome. Imagine the possibilities. Peanut butter & mocha lattes. Peanut butter chocolate chip Frappuccinos. Oh, sir, it could be wonderful.

2. Peach. You don't even know how many summers have gone and past (five summers. It's been five.) that I've longed and hoped that peach would be the flavor of the promotion. Peach iced teas. Peaches & cream Frappuccinos. And you know what I got instead? Effing Vivannos.

3. Cherry. Crazy Mocha has cherry, and the cherry mocha there is, how do I put this, freaking amazing (please don't be mad that I cheated on you, Howie. It was a one time thing; I promise it'll never happen again.)

4. Toasted marshmallow. With graham cracker sprinkles. S'more lattes? Everyone would be coming back for S'MORE!! (I'm so sorry.)

5. Apple cinnamon. I'm not too sure about the practical employment of this flavor, but I think it would be awesome no matter what. Definitely a frappuccino flavor at least.

6. Bring. Back. Valencia. Valencia was a subtle orange flavor that was around just long enough in my Starbucks employment for me to get totally hooked on it. Let me just tell you, it made the tea lemonades. Classic syrup just does not compare.

7. Bring back Blueberry. I really liked blueberry, even though a lot of people didn't. It was a little weird, but mixed with strawberry, tangerine, and some pumps of raspberry, it made a delicious concoction we called Demon Blood.

8. Bring back Tangerine. See above. Plus, mixed with lemonade and blended, it tasted exactly like Lemon Blendd. The Pomegranate that came out at the same time? Don't worry about bringing that back.

9. Bring back Blackberry. Blackberry black tea lemonades almost made up for losing Valencia. Almost.

10. Bring back Almond. Not only does everyone ask for this still, but when you mixed almond into a mocha creme frappuccino with a shot of espresso, it tasted just like a Kahlua Mudslide.

11. Give me a raise. No really. That would be delicious.

T.I.P.S.

The word tips, in the context we in the service industry love it most, started out as an acronym meaning "To Insure Prompt Service," and, though the custom has been around since the 17th century, the name is a throwback to the tea party days of American history, when the gussied up ladies of the tea would toss a coin or two to the tea server...to insure prompt service. There were actually wooden boxes set up at each table labeled with the acronym T.I.P.S. for the coins to be placed in, much like what is seen at most line service restaurants today.

Or I made all of that up, because darn it all if I can find anything to back that up. Either way, it sounds good, right? That's not really why I'm bringing up tips anyways, though the extra change here and there is very, very appreciated. This post is for me to give you tips...on how to insure prompt, and professional, service.

-If you don't know what you want, don't be afraid to ask us for help.
I am never, ever annoyed by someone asking me for a recommendation, and I don't mean just asking me if that vanilla bean thing is good. Customers that indicate to me that it's their first time there or that they want my opinion on the best drink there usually get the best service out of all the customers I serve. We love showing off, and I can guarantee that we're the best people to ask to point you in the direction of what you need and what you like. Plus, I'm way happier about remaking a drink that I recommended for you than adding touch-ups to a drink you don't like but ordered based on menu-board description. (*cough*carameleffingmacchiato*cough*)

-Put down your cell phone.
No seriously. Put it down. Put it away. Put it up for sale on EBay. I have no idea why people still do this, it's the epitome of rudeness at the register. How upset would you be at me if I had my cell phone glued to my ear during your transaction? If I was so engrossed in my conversation I didn't even bother to greet you kindly, or speak to you at all, really. You'd be pissed, I'd be given a write up, and nobody, nobody would forgive me. So what gives you the right? What's so difficult about standing off to the side until your call is finished? Or telling the person on the other end to hold on a sec? I've had more people in line apologize to the person they are on the phone with than people who apologize to me. I've had regulars who consistantly come in, every single time, on their cell phone, and probably wondering why we're never nice to them and why we can never remember their drink.

-Provide all of the details at the register.
The barista at the register is not just there to steal your money. Their job is also to translate your order into a form of shorthand that the barista at the bar can quickly read so that they can immediately begin the preparation of your drink. It's a beautiful system that has served Starbucks very well for decades and enables us to get drinks in and out of line as quickly as possible, and when you wait until you get to the end of the line to tell us to make it decaf and skim, you've completely derailed it, and we hate you.

-Make it easy to remember you (but in a good way).
We have great memories, we do. For the most part, if you’ve come in more than once while I was working, I can remember something about you, though it some cases it may not be flattering. For those of my customers who are nice, and friendly, or have memorable drinks, places of employment, names, stories, or kids and pets, they get the best of my best, they get first treatment, and we’ll usually discuss you fondly and make sure that all of the new employees know you too. But if you come in, and refuse to acknowledge that we’ve met before, and aren’t friendly, and order something cut and paste from the menu board, well, you get a nickname at best. And just ask Baby Thief or Angry Guy that Gets a Mocha--they usually aren’t flattering. (Note--Baby Thief might not actually steal babies. She just looks like she might.)

-Don't assume we have anything more to do with the inner workings of Starbucks beyond getting you correct change and your beverage in a timely manner.
I didn't price these drinks. I didn't name these drinks. I didn't choose size names, or what drinks get the kibosh, or when we serve pumpkin spice, or what secret blends of herbs and spices make up our coffees. I don't really care what you think about any of these, and I have even less power than you to get it changed to what you want. And I'm very, very hurt that you think I look like Howard Shultz.

pictured: not me

-Don't assume that we can read your mind, or that all baristas employ a hive mind ability
Shockingly enough, if you don't tell us you want it made iced, we don't make your drink iced. We won't know that if you don't tell us even if that one girl made it for you like that yesterday, or if they allllways do it like that at "your" Starbucks. It doesn't matter if you know exactly what you're thinking of, you need to tell us, out loud, and in a way that we can understand.


-Don't be an asshole.
I wish this wasn't something I had to address, and I could leave it off to the side along with "always wear clothes" and "don't punch me in the head," but just this weekend we had a man refuse to finish his order until we said "medium" instead of grande, and refused again at the window to take his frappuccino until we called it a "medium." And then there were the guys who tipped us with a half-full Big Gulp of cherry slushie. Just...be as nice to us as it is possible for you at that moment to be. Unless you have a personal issue with me, I have done nothing to you, so why are you going out of your way to be as unpleasant as possible? This type of person doesn‘t even give us a chance to give good service.

-If you make an error, apologize.
If we make an error, we usually almost throw up from apologizing so hard. When you make an error, you usually blame us. Even if you assumed we could read your mind, or didn’t put in the details of your drink until the end of the bar, or were an asshole. I’ll forgive anything if you just say sorry, and believe me, if you mess up and we know it and you look at us like it’s our fault…you’re still not getting a free drink coupon. Sorry bubs, thems the rules.

-And finally, bring us cookies.
We love cookies. We’ll make your drinks the best ever if you bring us cookies. Mmm, cookies. Chocolate chip for preference, though I won’t say no to a good oatmeal raisin.

I Hate Going Sleeveless

Starbucks, as part of the world-wide contribution to the green movement, has this past year made several changes to its usual behavior in an effort to waste less and utilize more. I commend them, even if it was mostly to improve company image. They've switched to greener plastics for their cups, they've cut down considerably on water usage by removing the spoon jacuzzi...
...and they've all but outlawed sleeves.

Sleeves, for the uninformed, are those clever little cardboard cup snuggies that slide up the bottom of the cup and prevent one's hand from ever having to feel the warmth and love your coffee wants to provide. Once upon a time they were placed in delightful racks just about everywhere; the hand-off bar, the condiment bar, heck, we'd usually have 8 or 9 lining our wrists and arms just to feel pretty. Not anymore. Now the racks are held behind the counter and viciously hoarded, only being handed out on Venti beverages, extra hot beverages, anything made with hot water (like Chai lattes and hot teas), coffees, and anyone else who wants one can go hang. Or ask us for one.

In most cases, I agree, they really aren't necessary. Beverages made to standard are steamed to 160 degrees, not much hotter than the showers you take, and in a tall or a grande, with the insulation of the cup, it's usually not enough to feel much discomfort, if any at all.

Our customers don't agree, and just about every single person that gets a hot drink (and about every other person who gets a cold drink) asks for a sleeve.

Or they would if they knew what they were called. I've had people ask for those cardboard thingies, cup jackets, cozies, drink condoms, cup holders, drink snuggies, hand things, cup jobbies, and any number of any combination of words that could possibly ever hope to aspire to come close to indicating a sleeve. I've gotten pretty good at deciphering their words and their expressions, and can hand out a sleeve before they say anything and as soon as they give their first puzzled, searching look.

The best part about all this, though, is that most people don't even try to give it a name. They resort to sign language. However, the easiest sign language to ask for a cup sleeve is to give your cup a short, brief (and probably unsatisfying) hand job. We've gotten pretty used to this, and these days most times don't even crack a smile.

That is, I didn't, until the one day when one man's sign language wasn't the typical cup hand job but, instead, he fondled the cup's invisible balls.

He got his sleeve. His cup found its soul mate.



By the way, everybody, if you ever want to argue things on a more personal level, go ahead and email me.

Here's a great music video, because we're learning NEW THINGS in class.

Oh, the Glory Days

As somebody, somewhere out there, maybe knows, I started out my coffee shop career (lulz) in a franchise location in a shopping mall.

I don't recommend this.

Though, I will agree, it was probably the most fun I've ever had while working (Oh, the shenanigans!) and the people I worked with were hands down the best people I've ever encountered (I miss you, Kate and Kiel), there was one, enormous, ever present problem. Namely, the clientele.

There is a reason why the best zombie movie ever made was filmed in a shopping mall. Let us just say that it took very, very little to make the shoppers in the mall into highly realistic extras. In fact, in some cases, they probably even had to cut back on the make up that the shopper was already wearing.

Saying I worked in a shopping mall doesn't quite encompass the horrors involved, though. No. This was the first of such a coffee shop within about 20 miles, in a brand new mall (seriously, I was there the first day that mall opened) very close to three high schools. The coffee shop in the mall was directly beside a HUGE and IMPRESSIVE movie theater with IMAX, at the entrance to the food court, and close to stores such as PacSun, Gamestop, Forever 21, American Eagle, and Hot Topic. No other store has ever made as many of what we called the Trifecta (Vanilla Bean, Double Chocolate Chip, and Strawberries and Cream Frappuccinos) as we must have made on Saturdays alone. Ohh the hordes of vapid, expressionless teenagers, bringing their drama and angst. I still have nightmares.

This lengthy introduction (me? Long winded? Never!) is for two reasons. One, to give you insight into why I sometimes cry for no reason, and two, to tell you the BEST THING I have EVER HEARD in my life.

It was a Saturday when a group of prostitots, as we fondly called them, wandered vaguely into our store to peruse our selection of bottled beverages.
The leader of this pack of chihuahuas, having not encountered such a difficult choice since the last time she got the bands changed on her braces (PINK or BLUE?!) lamented loudly the fact that she had NO IDEA what to buy, and began asking for advice in this life-altering matter.
To which her friend responded...

"Like, just get something that matches your outfit."

fin

A Public Service Announcement

There's a drink we sell that most everybody knows by name, even if they haven't actually tried it. It's one of the most popular drinks we sell, and just dropping the name hints towards the drinker's high classiness and great taste in coffee/milk beverages. Alas, however, few on the consumer's side of the bar are really aware of what it is.

I am talking, of course, about the poor, bastardized caramel macchiato.

Most people, when they see the name, picture something like this:


Since caramel is the everyday person's cocaine, the word "caramel" in the title sends up a flag that this, this here, is the drink of their dreams. The drink must be made of nothing but caramel because, look, the word "caramel" is right in the name.

What it is really is vanilla syrup (less, might I add, than would be in a regular vanilla latte), steamed milk until an inch from the top, foam (more foam, again, than would be in a normal latte; it is recipe standard for the caramel macchiato to weigh less than our lattes), the shot(s) of espresso are poured on top, and then that is topped by a cross-hatch and two circles of caramel drizzle.

Macchiato, in Italian, means marked with, and is a concept that Starbucks uses frequently, such as in their espresso macchiato, which is shot(s) of espresso marked with foamed milk, as well as several other short-lived promotional beverages (oh marble mocha macchiato, how we remember you fondly). The Caramel Macchiato, in this case, is marked with, well, caramel. The entire point is to drink the shots of espresso covered in the drizzle, as caramel is a perfect taste accompaniment to espresso.

It is at this point in the explanation that the customer's eyes have glazed over and I give in, telling them that yeah, they'll probably like it.

The odd part is that most people do, which completely throws me off guard. Of course, most people love it, no for realz it's my favorite drink, I mean it, only after giving it a hearty stir and adding 17 packets of sugar in the raw. And asking us to put in extra EXTRA OMG LOTS OF CARAMEL PLZZ, and in some cases topping it with whipped cream. Which is the most irritating way to make this drink in the history of ever. But I could (and probably will) devote an entire 19 posts about my troubles with whipped cream.

Even worse are the iced caramel macchiatos. It completely destroys the original point of the regular version, as the drink is now vanilla flavored milk until the drinker encounters the shots, when he or, mostly, she throws it away. Not only that, but now the customer can see what it looks like, and now is when the demands for us to stir it pour in. You know, because obviously we put those darn shots on top because we're so lazy! Did you see those guys?! Forgot to put my shots in! And then they just stuck em' on top! I swear, if they don't stir it...oh gawd, they didn't stir it. I'd better tell them to.

Somewhere, there is a professional barista who designed this drink to be appreciated by coffee aficionados the world over who is weeping at what his creation has turned into. He is being quickly hushed by his superiors, who don't really care about the product unless the outcome is money, and good gawd has this drink coined it. A kajillionty millionty people make a special stop to Starbucks the world over just to purchase a caramel macchiato.

The depressing part in all this is that customers would be infinitely more satisfied with their beverage if they just ordered what they wanted. I found a drinks guide online that describes the caramel macchiato as:

"Basically, a vanilla latte with a bit less vanilla and extra foam, and with gooey, yummy caramel sauce drizzled on top. If it doesn't taste sweet enough when you first try it, mix it up a bit. If it's still not sweet enough, ask for more vanilla -- caramel sauce doesn't really dissolve well, so by the time it strongly flavors the drink there's way too much. Iced caramel macchiatos, like hot ones, have the shots and caramel poured on top, so when you get it it won't look mixed at all. Just make sure you stir it before you drink. Macchiato, by the way, is pronounced "mah-kee-YAH-toe." src

If you stir it, and add extra vanilla, and, yes, extra caramel and whipped cream...then that's not what you ordered anymore, and you look like a tool who has no idea where you are or how you got there. You would be much, much happier with a...and write this down, or something...

Caramel Latte, with caramel drizzle.

There. Not so hard, was it? Now you get what you want, and I don't hate you, and, even better for you, they are almost exactly the same price. In fact, nine times out of ten, if you're nice, and you order a caramel latte, I will ask you at the bar if you want some drizzle on top. Then you don't have to pay for the drizzle, and you actually save money.

This has been my public service announcement to all of you.

The more you know.

I don't even like coffee.

For my first post, I wanted, oh how I wanted, to share with you the latest in coffee gossip, tell the latest on what those handsome men and beautiful women are ordering this week (answer: coffee and something with skim milk, respectively), and explode in fury about what that lady said about the beautiful cappuccino I put together for her (people, it was gorgeous.)

Unfortunately, I'm currently in a transition from a Starbucks downtown to my old store, a drive-thru store in a suburban location near a mall and a Wal-Mart, so for now, I'm so traumatized and shaken by the changes that I need at least a week before I can visit any painful past experiences. Coming back home from the store downtown I feel like a war veteran, shaken, feeling guilt for those I've left behind, experiencing flashbacks, and unable to escape the smell of battle (coffee and old milk).

Ok, so that's an exaggeration. Ok, so you knew that. But either way, for the first post, we're gonna have a list of things that people do that I really can't understand.

-Getting the largest size of anything, but getting it light, or with skim milk.
Ok, a iced/hot coffee or iced/hot tea I can understand. I can drink our iced teas by the gallon; they're light, refreshing, and do well to quench one's thirst. And without any bells or whistles, both of those are the beverages with the least caloric content of anything we sell. But getting 24 ounces of Java Chip Frappuccino made with the light base is not even trying and is the most disgustingly American thing you can do.

-Getting your drink made with soy milk, but asking me to put whipped cream on it.
I'm not a soy drinker. To me it tastes doughy and overly sweet, kind of like homemade play-dough, you know, the stuff you made with peanut butter. Or maybe you didn't eat play-Dough. Whatever, Mr. McFancyPants. Either way, I do accept that there are logical reasons for drinking it. Maybe you're lactose intolerant. Maybe you're a vegan. Perhaps you don't like the taste of milk. But mixing whipped cream, the milk content of which is, you know, very high, with soy just seems sacrilegious, like sprinkling bacon bits onto soy bacon.

-Paying for extra shots of decaf espresso.
No seriously. I'll never get it. You're a weirdo.

-Half-caf anything.
And then refusing to get your coffee if we're out of decaf. I can understand needing decaf. Perhaps you've got a cruel doctor, or are pregnant, or are allergic, or it's 9 p.m. and you are employing common sense. Half-caf, however, confuses me. I mean, I suppose somewhere along the line it makes sense, wanting to cut back. But seriously, sir, refusing to buy a coffee just because we had not the decaf necessary for your most likely 3/4 caf coffee (we're bad at estimating)...well, you should be in a nursing home.

-Buying your 6-or-less-year-old 16 ounces or more of, really, any drink.
You're a bad parent. That's awful. Maybe after force feeding your child a grande Strawberries and Cream Frappuccino once a week (because they've been 'good,' you sick, sick individual) you should force them to join some sport, call them gay when they can't run as fast as the thin kids, and then make fun of them for being fat for the rest of their lives. And then tell them they aren't pretty and never will be. Once you're done with that, call it a bad job well done, and work on popping out another one to torture, because the way this one keeps crying all the time is sooo annoying.

-Buying your 10-or-less-year-old something highly caffeinated.
Not only are you also a terrible parent, you're the one at the PTA meetings judging harshly the parents of fat kids.

-Spending upwards of $15 per day on our delicious coffee beverages.
And then asking the smokers outside if they know how much money they've wasted by smoking cigarettes. Yes, I know they're tasty. Yes, I know you're addicted. Maybe I'm just poor, but either way that seems a bit excessive and perhaps something you'd like to remedy before your husband leaves you and you lose your house. Hobo coffee may be free but it tastes terrible. Also, the second part? HAS REALLY HAPPENED. Society has reached its end days.

I know there's a lot more, but I'm starting to reach for ideas, and I know that it's going to start getting terrible. "WHAT'S UP WITH THOSE...PEOPLE WHO GET...UMM...WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH AIRLINE FOOD?" Seriously, seriously terrible.

However, if any of you have noticed silly things that people do that you don't understand (preferably in a coffee shop), please, do share.