It's Drizzle, Fo Shizzle.

So the last time I ranted and raved and whined like a little bitch, it was about whipped cream. And yes, I do still hate whipped cream with all my heart. At least, in the hands of other people. Not neccessarily in my drinks. And yes, I can be a hypocrite, I'm the one who makes my drinks.

However, as it turns out, there is a sickeningly sweet and sugary topping that makes me sadder than whipped cream ever will. Because not only is this topping more annoying to apply than whipped cream, the fact remains that while just about everyone loves whipped cream, for the most only people who should be skewered demand the one that I am enigmatically referring to.

Caramel drizzle. Specifically, extra caramel drizzle.

This is actually a poorly colored picture of the blood of my enemies
(read: those who get extra drizzle on their drinks)
raining from above.

Caramel drizzle is a staple of air-headed hair-twirler drinks, like caramel macchiatos and caramel frappuccinos. Since this type of person is really into brands but not so much into coffee, the drizzle is pretty much the sole reason for the purchase of the drink. So, rather than just order something that they'd enjoy (like a Diet Pepsi, or a solid meal for once), they just ask for extra (or extra extra, but in a grating, high pitched tone) of the one thing that they like.

Good ol' Caramel "Gouge Out My Eyes With A Spoon" Drizzle.

So why so terrible? Let me just says that there are several things that throw a wrench directly into the well-oiled machine that is our Starbucks dream team. Emptying out a frequently used ingredient is one of them. Having a customer add details or beverages at the end of the bar or at the window is another. Running out of clean milk pitchers is a third.

And making me stand over your freaking cup while I use every ounce of my strength to pour a thick, syrupy and by all means reluctant to leave the bottle substance by the boatload into the bottom while I neglect the line of drinks piling up around me and knowing full well that despite the fact that you paid no extra to get the gallon that you're demanding you will complain to my superiors if it is lacking will do it every time. Not only that, but, for whatever reason, my normally reasonable manager (what's up, Haylee!) poops herself if you try to make it easier to pour the caramel (like cutting off the narrow tips of the drizzle spouts or warming the caramel) and since it is still winter, caramel is a frozen and angry beast. It pretty much makes for a terrible two minutes making a drink.

As if that weren't enough, most people, when they want extra caramel (usually in a frappuccino) they want to see the evidence in a caramel mosaic on the inside of the cup. If it's not making a beautifully untidy pattern around the sides, then it's not been extra caramel'd, and oops, someone's driving away gwumpy. But. Caramel on the inside of a cup has no effect whatsoever on the flavor of the drink. Unless you stir it in (impossible) or melt it in (you got a frappuccino, buckaroo), or wait until the drink is gone and turn the cup inside out and lick off the sides (ew?) you're not going to experience the joy. So Starbucks is out whatever it cost to put two thirds of a bottle of caramel into your drink, we've got carpal tunnel syndrome from squeezing our little hearts out, and you're getting about the same effect as you would if we'd just taken a scented brown marker and scribbled on the sides. Everyone loses.

So please. Please. Just say no to extra caramel saucing. Remember kids, everyone gets hurt when you get extra caramel.