Just Say VivanNO.

Though I recently stressed the annoyance of Frappaccinos here (which I apparently didn't stress enough, judging by how many I made this weekend. Thanks a lot, guys), there was one very special blended drink that I wanted to talk to all of you about today. Not many of you have probably heard about it. It's called...
(dun dun dun)
...The Vivanno Smoothie.

This seemingly innocuous beverage is made with the flavor you specify (strawberry, orange-mango, or chocolate), the milk you specify (2%, skim, whole or soy), a whole, frozen banana, ice and a protein/fiber powder.

The specs of the drink are as follows:

Calories 270	Calories from Fat 40
	% Daily Value*
Total Fat 4.5g	7%
Saturated Fat 2g	10%
Trans Fat 0g
Cholesterol 15mg	5%
Sodium 140mg	6%
Total Carbohydrate 48g	17%
Dietary Fiber 6g	24%
Sugars 30g
Protein 18g

(260 cal, 2 g fat for orange mango, 280 cal 1.5 g fat for strawberry, and of course changes in milk or other modifications will change the facts) src

Sounds awesome, right? It's a delicious and tasty meal replacement that is way, way better for you than that venti Java Chip you were getting. Plus it'll help you poop better! Whee!

Two minor points: it only comes in a grande. Oh, and when had the way it's supposed to be had, it tastes bland and awful.

We tried to like this drink. When it first came out, we had a box of recipes just for the Vivanno so that we could (try to) like it. And we did, after we took out the protein powder and added white mocha and caramel or extra strawberry with classic. Or took out the banana and the protein powder and the milk and just blended ice, strawberry syrup and classic syrup.

Of course, the way we have to make it is a big factor too. It's a multi-step adventure, all of it completely inconvenient. We start with the flavor, then the milk (unless it's chocolate, then we reverse those steps), then the banana (which can only be out of the freezer for four hours before it become a sad and soggy disaster), and blend once on #2. Then we add eight ounces of ice and two scoops of protein powder, and blend again on #2. For a store that was built as convenience personified, with its frappuccino dispensers and its cup sticker labels, the Vivanno is a hair-ripping masterpiece of drama and angst.

The end result of all this was a product that sounded great on paper but was bland, lifeless, and was, above all, incredibly annoying to make. It was impossible to get behind but we were forced in one summer to sell more of them than household toilets across the world could possibly take (lulz, potty talk, fwee!) (speaking of, remind me that I want to tell you all the fun bathroom stories I have.)

And yet. People really do buy them. The ones who buy it to lose weight or to bulk up for football camp or whatever, I don't mind making the Vivanno for them. The people who are genuinely interested in getting more fiber, protein and potassium in their diets, good for you! We should all be crazy people riding to Starbucks on our bikes and writing jog blogs while sipping on our coffee in said Starbucks that we've just biked to.

However, in middle-middle class suburban Pennylvania, outside of Pittsburgh, there are so few of those type of people it's...it's a little sad, actually. And to those people, the word "smoothie" is a magical word that promises unicorns and fairies and size 0s and Aslan. They get it, and they hate it. They get it for their kids, and their kids hate it. THEY PUT WHIPPED CREAM ON IT. And I hate it.

Summer is coming up. Smaller bikinis with less cellulite peeking through probably sounds amazing to you all. But if you decide to diet at Starbucks, and think that the Chocolate Banana Vivanno will replace the double chocolatety chip you've been drinking, just know that it won't, and that we are all very disappointed in you.