I don't even like coffee.

For my first post, I wanted, oh how I wanted, to share with you the latest in coffee gossip, tell the latest on what those handsome men and beautiful women are ordering this week (answer: coffee and something with skim milk, respectively), and explode in fury about what that lady said about the beautiful cappuccino I put together for her (people, it was gorgeous.)

Unfortunately, I'm currently in a transition from a Starbucks downtown to my old store, a drive-thru store in a suburban location near a mall and a Wal-Mart, so for now, I'm so traumatized and shaken by the changes that I need at least a week before I can visit any painful past experiences. Coming back home from the store downtown I feel like a war veteran, shaken, feeling guilt for those I've left behind, experiencing flashbacks, and unable to escape the smell of battle (coffee and old milk).

Ok, so that's an exaggeration. Ok, so you knew that. But either way, for the first post, we're gonna have a list of things that people do that I really can't understand.

-Getting the largest size of anything, but getting it light, or with skim milk.
Ok, a iced/hot coffee or iced/hot tea I can understand. I can drink our iced teas by the gallon; they're light, refreshing, and do well to quench one's thirst. And without any bells or whistles, both of those are the beverages with the least caloric content of anything we sell. But getting 24 ounces of Java Chip Frappuccino made with the light base is not even trying and is the most disgustingly American thing you can do.

-Getting your drink made with soy milk, but asking me to put whipped cream on it.
I'm not a soy drinker. To me it tastes doughy and overly sweet, kind of like homemade play-dough, you know, the stuff you made with peanut butter. Or maybe you didn't eat play-Dough. Whatever, Mr. McFancyPants. Either way, I do accept that there are logical reasons for drinking it. Maybe you're lactose intolerant. Maybe you're a vegan. Perhaps you don't like the taste of milk. But mixing whipped cream, the milk content of which is, you know, very high, with soy just seems sacrilegious, like sprinkling bacon bits onto soy bacon.

-Paying for extra shots of decaf espresso.
No seriously. I'll never get it. You're a weirdo.

-Half-caf anything.
And then refusing to get your coffee if we're out of decaf. I can understand needing decaf. Perhaps you've got a cruel doctor, or are pregnant, or are allergic, or it's 9 p.m. and you are employing common sense. Half-caf, however, confuses me. I mean, I suppose somewhere along the line it makes sense, wanting to cut back. But seriously, sir, refusing to buy a coffee just because we had not the decaf necessary for your most likely 3/4 caf coffee (we're bad at estimating)...well, you should be in a nursing home.

-Buying your 6-or-less-year-old 16 ounces or more of, really, any drink.
You're a bad parent. That's awful. Maybe after force feeding your child a grande Strawberries and Cream Frappuccino once a week (because they've been 'good,' you sick, sick individual) you should force them to join some sport, call them gay when they can't run as fast as the thin kids, and then make fun of them for being fat for the rest of their lives. And then tell them they aren't pretty and never will be. Once you're done with that, call it a bad job well done, and work on popping out another one to torture, because the way this one keeps crying all the time is sooo annoying.

-Buying your 10-or-less-year-old something highly caffeinated.
Not only are you also a terrible parent, you're the one at the PTA meetings judging harshly the parents of fat kids.

-Spending upwards of $15 per day on our delicious coffee beverages.
And then asking the smokers outside if they know how much money they've wasted by smoking cigarettes. Yes, I know they're tasty. Yes, I know you're addicted. Maybe I'm just poor, but either way that seems a bit excessive and perhaps something you'd like to remedy before your husband leaves you and you lose your house. Hobo coffee may be free but it tastes terrible. Also, the second part? HAS REALLY HAPPENED. Society has reached its end days.

I know there's a lot more, but I'm starting to reach for ideas, and I know that it's going to start getting terrible. "WHAT'S UP WITH THOSE...PEOPLE WHO GET...UMM...WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH AIRLINE FOOD?" Seriously, seriously terrible.

However, if any of you have noticed silly things that people do that you don't understand (preferably in a coffee shop), please, do share.